Football viruses
Football viruses...
The Black and Red virus family (Mainly from the South of England) Not particularly harmful but very, very annoying:-
* The Manchester United virus: Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1993..
* The Man U virus v.2: Sends all your data to Surrey...
* The Man U virus v.3: Reclaims data from Surrey, relocates to Devon, then makes you pay to enter the system...
* The Man United shirt virus: This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its identity every 3 months...
* The Schmiechel virus: Your PC develops a hideous, large red dot in the middle of the screen, your monitor sprouts unsightly
orange wires and then starts loudly racially abusing you...
* The Beckham virus: The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works...
* The Roy Keane virus: Throws you out of Windows...
* The Alex Ferguson virus: Continuous whining until your PC explodes leaving you with nothing...
* The Sheringham virus: Jumps from one computer to the other, ensuring all award winning programs fail...
* The Dwight Yorke virus: Everything in your computer goes goofy...
The Blue virus family (Mainly from Italy) look like they may cause you problems for 6 months, but then fade away:-
* The Chelsea virus: Everything you print comes out in Italian and then you end up with f*ck all...
* The Graham Rix virus: Goes down for 6 months at a time but is always backed up...
* The Dennis Wise virus: Gives up after two bytes...
* The Gustavo Poyet virus: Your PC repeats this loop, it works brilliantly for 45 minutes, then breaks down for three months...
* The Graham Le Saux virus: Picks up any passing mail...
The White virus family although they like to bill themselves as harmful, they really are nothing to worry about:-
* The Ian Walker virus: You just can't save anything...
* The Ian Walker virus v.2: Your PC will let you save once, but then the computer falls off of the desk and onto your foot...
* The Ian Walker virus v.2.2: A particularly ugly virus which when combined with the Sol Campbell virus, your PC fails to pick
up any Italian mail..
* The Sol Campbell virus: Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is...
* The David Ginola virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is ok...
* The George Graham virus: Falsely claims to have done nothing but then you realise half of you data has gone - It then
transfers itself to your worst enemies PC, then trashes it...
The as yet unnamed virus from North London: At the moment, it has got 2 titles, it's totally harmless but claims to be a world force... (a
virus not seen in Europe for years...)
Various:
The Stan Collymore virus: Luckily this one doesn't actually work, but sometimes boots up some Swedish computers...
The Glenn Hoddle virus: Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator, and then takes the piss out of it...
The Ron Atkinson virus: Remains dormant for 6 months but then your computer goes down anyway...
The Gazza virus: Just as you think everything is ok, it all goes pear shaped...
The Jason Lee virus: same as the Gazza virus, but it all goes pineapple shaped...mmm...?
The Rio Ferdinand virus: All drive privileges lost...
The Brian Kidd virus: Your 100MB hard drive suddenly expands to 350 MB and then goes down...
Not that it is very likely but if you do encounter any problems, try the On Site Man United Fan's Technical Virus Support Hotline in
London: They know f*ck all, they have different uniforms on every call out, it will take them 6 hours to get down the M1 and then they'll
claim their Grandparent's have supported the software for years...
Ben Blaney 05/17/1999Categories: Slightly Smutty