Bite the wax tadpole."
-Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-"Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do
such thing is please not to read notis."
-In a Tokyo Hotel
"Please to bathe inside the tub."
-In a Japanese Hotel Room
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that
you will be unbearable."
-In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
-In a Leipzig Elevator
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
-In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
-In a Paris Hotel Elevator
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily."
-In a Hotel in Athens
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
-In a Yugoslavian Hotel
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
-In a Japanese Hotel
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers
are buried daily except Thursday."
-In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastary
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
-On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
-On the Menu of a Polish Hotel
"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."
-In a Hong Kong supermarket
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
-In a Bangkok dry cleaner's
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
-In a Rhodes tailor shop
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years."
-From the Soviet Weekly
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers."
-In an East African newspaper
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
-In a Vienna hotel
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in
the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose."
-In a Zurich hotel
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good
-In a Rome laundry
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
-Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
"Stop: Drive Sideways."
-Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
"Special today---no ice cream."
-In a Swiss mountain inn
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
-In a Tokyo bar
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
-From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
Simon Ratcliffe 03/11/1999Categories: Slightly Smutty