It's not funny

Scottish world cup fever

Subject: Scotland vs Brazil

The actual words below were spoken by the Scottish players during the Brazil v. Scotland 1st round match on June 10th 1998. We take up the action in the 3rd minute of the first half..............

Leighton: Let’s huv a name on this, I don’t want tae see the baw here again for at least another 20 seconds.

Lambert: Shit, its coming towards me. Whit the fuck dae ah dae wi’ it noo.

Durie: Don’t fuckin’ pass it here ya donkey, I dinna want it. Gie it to Jackson.

Jackson: Shit, wasn’t expecting it this early in the game. I think I’ll gie it back tae Paul.

Lambert: No’ again.

Boyd: Fuck off Lambert, gie it tae Burley, he’ll know whit ta dae.

Burley: Ach that’s miles away Tam.

Collins: That’s come to me nicely. How am I looking? Fantastic I bet. These Brazilians are pish by the way, looking good Johnny Boy, Ah can skin them all. Shit, lost it. Hope the camera didn’t get that one.

Calderwood: Christ, he’s comin’ at me, where’s Colin? Colin, get oer here, that silky bastard, Ronaldo’s comin’ for me. Whit noo?

Hendry: Slide him.

Calderwood: Whit?

Hendry: Leave him tae me......fuck, missed him the wee shite.

Leighton: Oh for fuck’s sake.

DAILLY better get back

Leighton: Who’s on Sampaio?

Jackson: Are we eating out tonight? Scampi did you say?

Hendry: I’ll mark Ronaldo.

Calderwood: I’ll mark Ronaldo.

Dailly: I’ll mark Ronaldo.

Boyd: I’ll mark Ronaldo.

Collins: How am I looking?

Hendry: Burley, you mark Rivaldo.

Burley: Okay, I’ve got Ronaldo.

Leighton: For fuck’s sake, who was marking Sampaio???

Hendry: I had Ronaldo. Its no’ ma fault.

Durie: Did the cameras see it.

20 minutes later.........
Hendry: Shit, here they come again. Crash positions lads.

Leighton: Oh Jesus, humiliation beckons again. Maybe Fergie was right. I’m shite.

Jackson: Oh there’s ma Mum in the crowd.

Durie: Bastards the lot of them. I bet they’re Catholics.

Dailly: Better get back.

Collins: Feeling like a run. Want to strutt those majestic thighs. Looking and feeling great. Plenty of time to score. Oh, here comes the ball. Nice touch, Johnny Boy, you are a God, oh passed him nicely, looking good, need a rest, breaking sweat, I’ll gie it to Burley. Beautiful.

Burley: Hi Colin, what are you doing here? Do you want the ball, I think I’m aboot tae get tackled. Shit.

Hendry: I didn’t want it ya fanny Craig. Oh shit, here they come again, must hoof it somewhere safe. Where’s Jim? Bugger, up the park will do.

Gallacher: Ball coming, must run fast as little legs will carry, then maybe it’ll miss me.....FUCK, WHAT WAS THAT???? A bloody train hit me. Why is
everyone hugging me? Am I dead?

Referee: Penalty to Scotland.

Scottish Fans: Fuckin’ Hell.

Hendry: Who wants to take it?

Durie: Errm, ma legs sore. Old injury.

Gallacher: I’ve lost a contact lens.

Jackson: Maybe it’s no’ ma Mum.

Collins: Give it tae Johnny Boy, he’ll take it. Looking great, I wish ah had a mirror. Hope the burd is tapin’ the game.

McAllister: Now you’ll know how it feels ya wee bastard.

Collins: Let me just place the ball. Millions of burds watching. Cool as a cucumber, Johnners. Right ref, nearly ready. Just fix the hair. Okay, ready to we go...........just one final check, teeth are clean, hair great. Right ladies, watch this..................and Johnny Boy does it again. Don’t touch the fuckin’ hair Burley. Hands off my arse Durie. You can get away with that at Rangers, but not here. I can see God on Stars in their Eyes saying, "tonight Matthew, I’m going to be John Collins.”

McAllister: Fuck.

Craig Brown: Tee hee.

Scottish Fan: Whit? Goal against Brazil? Ya beautyyyyyy. Second round, here we come!!

Leighton: What’s happening up there?

16 minutes to go............
Hendry: Get rid o’ it ya mug!

Lambert: Where?

Hendry: Just hammer it.

Burley: No’ tae me ya eejit.

Calderwood: Piss off, Ah had it a minute ago. Its no ma turn, ma kid’s watchin’.

Hendry: I said hammer it, not pass it.

Durie: Its too far for me to chase. Go on Kevin.

Gallacher: Come on wee legs, faster. I’m gonna make it. Got it!! Shit, lost it.

Collins: And his majestic highness steps in to stealthily pass a gorgeous ball to his fellow team mate.

Lambert: I told you, not to me.

Dailly: I don’t want it. There’s 300 million people watching.

Collins: Is that all? I need a bigger audience. Johnny Boy to the rescue. Who wants a bit of silky skill from the King of all Kings. I think I’ll pass to me. Oh yes...fantastic, still looking great. Glad I wore that aftershave today..... What was that?

Gallacher: That was Ronaldo.

Jackson: Can I get a shot on the ball? Ma mum’s watching.

Hendry: Somebody tackle Ronaldo.

Calderwood: Okay.......shit, missed again.

Hendry: Somebody tackle Ronaldo.

Leighton: Who’s on the ball now?

Boyd: Dunno.

Leighton: Get markin’ I think that’s a cross comin’ in.

Boyd: I think I’ll mark.....him. He doesn’t look dangerous. I should come out of this okay. I can see the newspapers tomorrow, Braveheart Boyd a stalwart at the back.

Leighton: CROSS COMIN’ IN!!! I’M GOIN’ FOR IT!!! TOMMY, LOOK OUT...........

Boyd: Wha’?...............Oh fuck.

There ends the tale in typical Scottish fashion.

Muzaher Poonawala 03/30/1999Categories: football

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