Sailing Substitutes
How to Race a Yacht.
1. Call seven friends Friday night, have them all meet you at your house at 7:00am tomorrow, sharp.
2. Have your friends clean your house.
3. After the house is clean, everyone wraps themselves from head to toe in plastic.
4. All eight of you cram together in the bathtub. Turn the shower on cold.
5. While yelling and swearing at your friends at the top of your voice, tear up $100 bills. Do this for six hours.
6. At the end of the six hours, everyone gets out of the bathtub and walks around the house, dripping wet.
7. Have all your friends clean your house again, then take them all out to dinner.
8. Invite them to come back next weekend and do it again.
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Suggestions for the Ex-sailor who misses the "Good old days"
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack", or "Your watch!".
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
5. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
6. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
7. Wake up at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional: cold canned ravioli or soup).
8. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
9. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
10. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
11. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor.
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Leo Green 08/27/1998Categories: Good