The Top Ten ....
A Review of the Top 9 Sexual Jokes on the "Net" last year:
Number nine
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if
your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Number eight
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young
man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence,
sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
Number seven
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a
manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have
the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski,
nice to meet you."
Number six
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife
on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The
wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected,
turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and
taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number five
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his
penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a
few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you
remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God,
Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I
mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
Number four
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years. On this visit, he decides to rub
her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets
out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good
sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan from his suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he
will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five
minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The
doctor asks what happen to which the man replies:
"She choked."
Number three
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then
open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd
murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed
his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing
to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went
up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you
have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Number two
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude
standing next to him. The big dude looks down
upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy
faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his
face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small
white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down
and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The
small guy says, Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
Number one
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at
this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were
probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the
little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today
as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
Simon Ratcliffe 01/26/1999Categories: Slightly Smutty