Real questions and answers from last year's GCSE English
Define the word 'monotony.'
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word 'benign' mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
Name some famous pilgrimages.
Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it's closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord's.
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.
What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.
What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
What is a vacuum.
A large empty space where the pope lives.
What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
Leo Green 08/08/2000Categories: Slightly Smutty