It's not funny

Tool definitions

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses from your fingers in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch....". Thrown wires have been known to remove eyesight permanently.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disc brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise. Used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. All scrapers should be inspected before making sandwiches.

E-Z OUT, BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

1/2" x 16"-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposing the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is some-what misleading. Many folks can be found shaking these tools as the light goes on and off.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. (Note: some models are designed to round themselves off in order to save screws)

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine used to collect water from the outside air and attempt to mix it with paint. Some say that it is a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant hundreds of miles away and transforms that into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 50 years ago by someone someplace.....and rounds them nicely off.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

TORQUE WRENCH:
A sophisticated tool to test the strength of various fasteners and threaded joints.

Arc Welder:
A device that produces an electrical short that allows 'welding rods' to be stuck to the surface until they glow red. The operator wears a hood he cannot see out of unless the short is active.

Tubing Benders:
These come in various designs with the main purpose being to bend a perfectly straight piece of steel tubing into various shapes that are good for absolutely nothing.

Power Band saws:
A device used to destroy small circular shaped metal bands with teeth on one side of them.

Cordless Drills and various cordless electric tools:
Developed to enhance the profit and loss statements of the battery industry.

Chuck Keys:
One of the most commonly lost tools. NOT made by the same companies who design chuck key holders.

Torx drivers:
Formerly the mystery tool to install or remove like-named mysterious fasteners. These are slowly being phased out as new mystery fasteners have been developed.

Tool boxes:
A place to store tools that you never need.


Anonymous 06/17/2004Categories: Clean, Biker



Jade Cat Ltd.